Having lived in the
village for a couple of years, and established our supper clubs in Collington
Village Hall just around the corner, I was asked to join the village hall
committee. Naively I said yes, on the basis that I have always wanted to live
in a small community where I could be involved, and make a difference, and this
could be my chance.
Committee meetings are held
monthly, in the hall, and attended by a number of members (residents welcome to
sit in at any time, of course, not that they do). It quickly became apparent that
the committee consisted of The Inner Circle, and The Riff Raff. The Inner
Circle had been sitting on the committee from time immemorial, and the stated
objective that I had been brought on board to “bring in some new ideas” didn’t
quite match what I was experiencing. Any time a New Idea, or even something that
diverged marginally more than the interior angle of a parsec to what they were
used to, was mentioned I could see the bristles go up on their backs.
The chairwoman, Patricia, had been
put in place as kind of presentable figurehead with no power whatsoever. She
was controlled by The Inner Circle, whose key conspirators were Rose-Marie, Gilbert,
and the husband and wife team of Terry and June. Rose-Marie sported a perm that
Kevin Keegan would have been proud of back in 1979; Terry (I imagined) was very
much the unfortunate male wolf spider to June’s cannibalistic female; and
Gilbert with his spluttering stutter reminded me very strongly of Jim Trott
from The Vicar of Dibley. Come to
think of it, Patricia bore a striking resemblance to Dawn French’s Geraldine
Granger, so let’s run with this one.
Geraldine Granger is played by Patricia
Letitia Cropley is played by Rose-Marie
Frank Pickle is played by Terry
Alice Horton is played by June
Jim Trott is played by Gilbert
Hugo Horton is played by Rashid
Simon Horton is played by Yours Truly
Dramatis Personae
Act 1
Scene: The Village Hall, December
A festive pre-Christmas committee meeting is taking place, complete with fairy cakes, and small plastic tumblers of cheap wine. Unlike on the set of The Vicar of Dibley itself, those present are sitting on both sides of the table.
Frank Pickle
“I’ve checked the guttering. Just a few leaves that’s all. And I tightened up the grommitty feckitt with my splunging gadoozer.”
Geraldine Granger
“Thanks Frank. Any updates on the ongoing major issue with the yoga group, Jim?”
Jim Trott [spluttering]
“That’s six times now I’ve told her to put her yoga mats away properly. She just doesn’t listen! It’s costing an extra 30p in the cleaner’s time to sort this catastrophic mess out every week!”
Geraldine
“Calm down now Jim. We can always take her round the back and shoot her in the orchard. Don’t get wound up about it. Now then, good news, our new six thousand pound audio-visual equipment is all installed and up and running now!”
Simon Horton (Me!)
“Can you explain how you are cost justifying the purchase of this equipment?”
Geraldine
“What do you mean?”
Simon
“Well, when I asked if we could buy some nice white tablecloths for our supper club, instead of the manky old green ones, you said everything had to be cost justified.”
Geraldine
“Yes, well…”
Simon
“You said that you were happy to buy the white ones, but because they would need to be professionally cleaned, it would cost more for me to hire them.”
Geraldine
“Well, that’s only fair Simon.”
Simon
“Fair? You said it would cost £90 more each time we hired them.”
Geraldine
“That’s correct.”
Simon [referring to his notes]
“So looking at this from a customer perspective, i.e mine, it looks like this. Hire of hall, including use of kitchen, bar, bar staff, electric, heating, lighting, tables, chairs and green tablecloths – £70. Correct?”
Geraldine
“Yes, that’s right.”
Simon
“Hire of hall, including use of kitchen, bar, bar staff, electric, heating, lighting, tables, chairs and white tablecloths – £160.
[All around the table nod in agreement, as if this is perfectly reasonable]
Simon
“Can’t you see that’s ridiculous?”
[Blank looks all around the table]
Letitia Cropley [pointedly]
“Any other suggestions for improvements, Simon?”
Simon
“Sure, I’ll put them in an email before the next meeting.”
Geraldine
“Moving on. Anyway, we are putting on a film night next month. Any ideas for our first film?”
Simon [stage whisper to Hugo Horton, his only ally]
“This is their attempt to cost justify the purchase of the £6,000 of audio-visual equipment they are never going to use.”
Simon [to the room]
“How about The Jungle Book? Suitable for all ages.”
[After a short discussion, and having ruled out a double bill of Last Tango in Paris and Deep Throat, the committee agrees]
Alice Horton
“How are we going to advertise it?”
Letitia
“We can put up a poster on the notice boards around the village. And in the church magazine.”
Geraldine
“Good ideas! And on the village Facebook group.”
Simon
“Why don’t we put up a poster in the school? Then we can attract families from Collington and Broadby [As the school sits equidistant between the two villages]
The assembled committee members turn to Simon in horror and disdain.
Letitia & Geraldine [as one]
“Well, we wouldn’t want people from Broadby coming.”
Audience clap wildly. The curtain closes.