Act 2
Scene: The Village Hall, January
Another committee meeting, this time in the committee room, where having now got up to speed with the set of The Vicar of Dibley, The Inner Circle sit on one side of the table, and The Riff Raff sit on a semi-circle of chairs gazing in supposed adoration.
There is an icy chill in the room.
Geraldine
“Well. As requested at the December meeting, Simon has documented what he feels are issues with using the hall as a venue for his supper club. I expect you’ve all read his email.”
The temperature in the room drops another couple of degrees. Icicles start to form on the ceiling.
Letitia
“So… you’re not happy with the kitchen Simon?”
Simon
“Well, we have to cook everything at home and bring it across, because there’s only a single oven, and the hobs are powered by a AA battery. But we can cope!”
Alice
“So… you think the quality of wine we sell at the bar is poor?”
Simon
“Yes, we’ve had several people bringing their own wine in because of that – they don’t like what’s on offer. Obviously if you could provide something just a bit better you’d sell more.”
Alice
“Well, Frank and I buy the wine in. We buy what we like. You do realise why, don’t you Simon?”
Simon
“Pray do tell, my good woman.”
Alice
“Because if we don’t sell it all, we have to drink it.” [pauses for effect, the members nod in agreement]
Simon
“Err… wine does keep for a good while you know? Look, these are all minor problems, just things that could be improved. Like you asked for.”
Leticia [a small lightbulb becomes visible under her perm]
“Why do you run these supper clubs anyway?”
Simon
“Because we want to do something for the village, and get to know people. And they’re very popular, we sell out every time!”
Leticia [rising from her chair, and wagging her finger at Simon]
“Exactly! Then you’re a failure! A failure I tell you!”
Simon [perplexed]
“Why am I a failure?”
Leticia [beginning to foam from the mouth as she points]
“Because you let people from other villages come along, so not everyone from Collington can get in!”
Simon
“Don’t be so stupid! Mrs. Chairwoman, call order please!”
Geraldine [groaning, and starting to sob]:
“Oh, I don’t want it to be like this!”
The meeting disintegrates. Simon stands up slowly and walks out, narrowly avoiding a falling icicle, never to return.
Epilogue
Simon, aka me, resigns from the committee forthwith, citing a conflict of interest between being a committee member, and being a customer of the hall. Interestingly, I am told that one of the conditions of the constitution of the charity under which the hall operates is that the committee must include a regular user of the hall. So that’s either me, or the yoga woman, if she’s still alive.
This was a year or two back. Talking to Hugo Horton, aka Rashid, who somehow has still managed to keep his place on the committee by having his mouth surgically stitched up, things are still much the same. In a nutshell, they don’t like change. And on the one hand, although they want to bring in “new blood”, they want to keep control of everything themselves. Rashid tells me he was finally allowed to put up a shelf in the hall by himself the other week, but only after extensive questioning on his joinery skills and methodology, a twenty six page feasibility study, and the promise of a full health and safety inspection and load-bearing test after the work was completed.
Village committees the length and breadth of the country are, I suspect, all much the same – well meaning, stuck in their ways, and finding it difficult to think about change. Be warned if you are thinking of getting involved!